Late night suffering.

After another moment of irrationality I've fucked up, again, the most important and meaningful relationship of my life, a relationship that again, I fucked up.. I am here AGAIN.. feeling alone... lost.. heartbroken.. sad.. or depressed to be more truthful.. sad isn't a strong enough word. I'm feeling confused and just weak. It's just gone 12am, this is the latest I've been awake in WEEKS! I usually go to bed around 10:30/11am... maybe just gone 11am the latest... but now.. I just don't wanna sleep.. I don't wanna lay there alone in bed, the light off with just me and my thoughts, they will torment me and show me so many things I don't wanna see. But I know that I should sleep.. I know that staying up late is NOT a good idea.. but if you've ever experienced heartbreak or if you battle with mental health you will be able to relate. I think. I'm just laying on my sofa with YouTube on my t.v... with a video on but I can't seem to settle and actually watch anything.. I just keep going on my phone, going from app to app, doing bits of scrolling, checking to see if she has unblocked me on Whatsapp... if she does I feel there would be a surge of hope come over me... but I just don't see it happening... I think... I feel it is really over... and it's because of me, again. I feel so empty and just..................... not right (I struggled to think of what word to use to describe how I feel and that was the best I could come up with) ... I've sat up now... I'm just wondering what to do... I'm at a loss. I'll go to bed at some point.. I just don't wanna wake up again yano? When I sleep the thoughts, the pain and suffering... it all disappears... but the second I wake up, the second I come to and become aware of reality again.. the second I think about my ex and the shitty situation I have gotten myself into again all that pain and suffering comes back! The anxiety, the unbearable churning in my stomach, the thoughts and emotions start back up again leaving me struggling to settle down and I KNOW that I will wake up within a few hours to go to the toilet as I usually do and that's when I will get all of that shit arise once more.. making sleep extremely hard to accomplish. I need healing and I just don't know how I'm going to get out of this... I've ended up here, again. It's going to be a long and hellish night. Fuck.

Peace ✌🏼