I just got back from a little trip to a nature park near where I live, I needed to be with nature, something I've not done recently, for a while. Something we ALL need in our lives. I laid right next to a tree, spread out, took my shoes and socks off and connected my limbs to the earth.. I needed that connection after all the chaos lately 🌳
I have been in self isolation for 11 days now, I have relied on people from the outside world that aren't self isolating to bring me food and do my washing, something I believe most of us haven't had to do since we were kids. So it's been a little, alot, very stressful and anxiety triggering to say the least. But there is a reason as to why I am doing it, there is a reason I am doing this and I am doing it voluntarily because my partner, my beautiful life partner has type 1 diabetes and she has been advised by her doctor to self isolate for 12 weeks. So.... she is doing just that, but she isn't alone, she isn't doing this torturous feat alone, she is with and looking after our near 6 month old baby boy, Nico, who unfortunately is abit of a nightmare (amazing little boy but abit hard to handle) and has been since birth, something I may get into at a later date. But she has been struggling for many months now and she's been doing most of it alone as we haven't been together for much of the duration of Nico's life. So after the advice and recommendations by those in "the know" I have decided to self isolate so I can be sure I don't have this "virus" and I can go to see them both, help, and be a family until this bullshit ends (first time swearing in this piece, I'm doing good). And it is safe to say that during my time in this self isolation, this majorly restricted way of "living", this.... HELL, I have been struck down once again by those mind crushing demons that I had only recently learnt to control better and manage better through some newly implemented practices of meditation, mindfulness and breathing exercises. I started a spiritual path about a month or so ago and I was managing my mental health better than ever. Which is BIG because I have suffered for about 14 years now and never really been in a good good place even when I was "happy"... then out of nowhere life goes... BOOM here have a "virus" and see how you handle that, thus sending the world into meltdown, lockdown and self isolation, amongst many other crazy things. And for those that battle with mental health it has become our greatest battle, our toughest fight, our tallest mountain!!! So many are falling to their knees, struggling to see the light, wondering, confused, crawling through the battlefield day by day suffering on a level never imagined. I for one have been hit hard, this situation, this issue we are facing has had a MASSIVE impact on my family relationships at times but most importantly my intimate, personal and affectionate relationship with my partner for life. We have overcome many MANY obstacles during our time together and all from the very start too, we had no honeymoon period, we kickstarted it at 10 years of marriage and been fighting ever since. We love each other and our determination to make it work will never stop. We are in love and we have the best connection, but we both have our own demons at the same time and that makes things a little hard to handle at times, but somehow, every time, we get through it and keep moving forward, and that, that is what true love is about, not giving up. HOWEVER we have been tested once again and more than ever by this "virus"! We aren't used to spending longer than a day apart and so far it has been about 3 weeks, maybe? Could be a little less. And for a couple like us that are very affectionate, cuddly and shit (only the second swear word, something is wrong with me LOL) it has made things extremely difficult. It has made me revert back to old ways, this home prison sentence has caused me to become more snappy and explosive, more easily agitated, more anxious and basically more fucked, yano? Having to rely on others to get my food has hit me quite hard as I don't just eat anything, I'm very specific and strict with my diet! Certain things need to be organic, I never usually eat anything processed or anything that has refined sugar in, I eat predominantly a wholefoods plant based diet with the odd bit of shit and I just need to have MY food in order for me to be satisfied, anything less and it gets me down down down down and I don't like it at all... Fortunately for me, I have a wonderful following of people on my mental health awareness and support page on Facebook and I have had the food I like (bar a couple of items that had to be non organic, but beggers can't be chooses and all that) delivered to me and that in itself has made living like this that much easier!! So I am thankful for that, even in these very hard times I have much to be thankful for although it is hard to see them sometimes. I have had several days where I have been suicidal due to my irrational actions and bad temper that directly affected my relationship. I have a good track record of being a dick and making things worse than they need to be, I create an argument that needn't exist and things get bad, I get suicidal and I am consumed by dark shitty thoughts. But like many times before, I, we get things calmed and back on the road again. It isn't easy... it never is, battling with mental health is one of the toughest challenges we can face in life and our circumstances and situations have a wicked way of dictating what happens inside of our heads and how things go for us, it sucks, but it's the truth, no?. But after the things I have experienced over the last month or so before this crazy shit happened I now see that it is totally possible to change that, we can change how we think and how we control our minds and through regular meditation, mindfulness, breathing exercises and techniques along with healthy eating, herbal remedies/essential oils and exercise we CAN live a better, a more grounded, a more compassionate and loving way of life if we just try and put the effort in. If we just sit back and allow life to flow without doing a thing ourselves, we will never reach a state of happiness, we will never move forward or find what we are looking for, we will never achieve our goals or dreams, we will never succeed. I am 30 years old and I have never truly been content with my life, for whatever reason, but that is what I yearn for... that is what I am aiming for, forget materialistic things, forget money and flashy things, I'm not about that shit, that is all temporary happiness, unnatural fixes that cause us to want more and more in an unhealthy way. I just want to be content with myself, my family and the very moment I am living in. I will keep fighting until the day I die and I am happy with that... life isn't supposed to be easy and I think that's where we all get lost... we just don't know how to achieve what really is so simple when you lay it all out in front of you.. as I mentioned above... your lifestyle and how you live is what will determine where you will be in the future... so ask yourself... where do you wanna be? And then do what you have to do in your life to get there. If you don't... you'll never know what could have been. And nobody wants to die with that on their mind. At least I don't, I want to die knowing I tried my best regardless of whether I die content or not. Having my family is what means the most and that is a realistic and easily achievable dream, but it won't come without effort. Remember that, effort matters. Thanks for listening, or shall I say reading. If you did. I'm going to stuff my face with food now. Nom Nom.
Peace, love & strength to you all <3
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