I don't belong here

I Don't Belong Here



So I'm back again.. I'm pretty sure I only get the urge to write here when my life goes to shit... could be a good thing, could be bad, but whatever, I guess it doesn't really matter. Nobody cares to read what I have to say anyway.
I've just been on a long walk along the seafront of my "home" town and with the help of a song by Dax called "I can't breathe" (it's a powerful song) I've been made to really think about the shit going on in my life right now and also some of the shit that's happened during it. It caused a fair bit of emotion and thoughts that just shot me into this realm of mental and emotional isolation and disconnection from the world... you know... where you just feel you don't belong here.. you don't belong where you are or fit in?? I feel like I'm never going to obtain and keep the things I've wanted in my life for so long now... I have this wicked history of having the things I want and just fucking them up, losing them. The things that truly matter seem to come and go, I can't get them to stay, it isn't always my fault, I mean, take friendships for example... I seem to have lost every friend I've ever had, now that could be because of ME or it could be because of THEM or maybe it's just a matter of not vibing on the level that's needed to sustain a long lasting friendship with those people... but my history with friendships is a long and complex one. Growing up in my "home"town as a young lad and a teenager between 11/12 and 16 years old I was popular, well known throughout, never had trouble with girls and stood out as a "tough guy", if I lived in America I guess you could've called me a "jock". But somewhere along the line I started to lose friends... they just started hanging out with other people, I'd see them now and then or I'd just get left out from the group I was apart of and as I got older I just ended up going from group to group to group to group. It all started when I met this girl at 15 years old, she was 14 at the time I met her, I got all lovey dovey and I kinda put all my time into just being with her and stopped seeing my then friends and made new friends, maybe that's where I went wrong? But even then... the friends I met and hung with during my time with her... eventually disappeared too, I got left out and less attention from them... but in all honesty, I was a fucking CU*T as a teenager, I think my "bad boy" reputation eventually got to my head abit and I thought I was invincible, untouchable and I just thought I could do anything I wanted... I would attend house parties and walk in the door like I owned the place, like everyone should acknowledge me and shake my hand, and actually.... they did, everyone said hello to me and welcomed me like a king, maybe it was the fear factor, I don't know, but the end of the night would usually end with me kicking off, smacking someone or just being a loud angry hoodlum causing everyone to flee, which, obviously did me no favours and usually caused big fallouts between me and my then girlfriend. I became a wreck... as I hit 16/17 years old everything started to fall apart. During the early stages of my relationship with this girl I met her cousin who was a few years older than me who became my best friend, we were inseparable, like two pees in a party pod, we went through some crazy shit together and after my break up with her he was all I had, well him, alcohol and drugs. Yeah, I was a heavy drinking drug taking kid/teenager from the age of 11/12 years old (just alcohol and weed until my mid to late teens onwards, then it was pills and cocaine with alcohol and weed) and at this point, at 17/18 years old all of that was cuddled with alot of anger, depression and loneliness and a dash of suicidal fantasies from time to time. I fucked my life good and proper. After all of the craziness that took place at 17/18 years old I ended up once again, going from group to group, friend to friend and I just NEVER managed to fit in, I never managed to settle... I can't help but feel my history of violence in Bognor had tarnished any chance I had of finding a new group of friends, in fact I honestly believe that was it, that was the reason. The damage was done... the once popular and respected Joey Nash was now a lonely, lost, depressed, angry has-been. Don't get me wrong, I still had alot of good times and had many friends and partners throughout but never long lasting ships and during all of this time I experienced alot of loneliness and isolation... and now I look at everyone I used to hang with, everyone I have been friends with, every girlfriend I have ever had and they all have a circle of friends and partners, and have done for many many years and many from back in the day, like real lifetime friendships and shit and they are all indulging in friend-like activities  (mainly drinking from what I see, which is not my scene anymore, over 1 year sober now woot woot) and they go on holidays and they are all just... socially living life, all have careers, homes and little families. I saw everyone else experiencing that young social life consistently into adulthood where their lives continued in that social circle. Things never went that way for me. I was envious, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe that is something that has contributed to the built up anger and distaste I have towards society and people now, I feel I was abandoned to some degree... I dunno, but at the same time I feel I have no one to blame but myself for being the person I was back then, I take full ownership. However even the person I am now at 30 years old, many years away from that crazy part of my life, I seem to struggle with this idea of socialising and being "normal", I feel so far disconnected and different to everyone else, I can't... almost don't want to even try becoming apart of any social group, I feel I am too different to everyone else, I feel nobody would be able to relate to me in any way, not enough for me to be happy to embark on a long lasting friendship with them anyway. Now I certainly have an issue with trust and I find many people out there just aren't real, which I can't entertain, I can't entertain being friends with people that aren't.... how you'd say... "woke", for lack of a better word. I spent so much time in my life searching for truth, searching for answers, wanting to really know what the fuck the world was about, what life was about, what goes on out there, I saw alot of stuff on corruption from both industry and government, I've watched alot of documentaries on many things from the food industry to 9/11 and from materialistic living to animal agriculture and animal farming (which turned me vegan, nearly 3 years). I have strong views on smoking and drinking alcohol in front of children and feeding them junk food, I have strong views about the educational and the mental health system, I have strong views on pretty much everything in society and I feel that there isn't many people out there like me... certainly not in my area. I ended up exposing myself to so much shit, so much eye opening REAL LIFE shit that I just saw what many others didn't... I saw what was, what is real... THE TRUTH! Everywhere I go I see what is wrong with the world and I feel that all of that has played a major role in how my life has turned out to this point today. I am still lonely and just don't fit in here. I mean I have family and I have children (7 years old and 6 months old), whom I don't live with. But I just don't have that THING... I don't have what I want out of life.. what would make me happy, yano?... I don't have a SOLID family bond with ALL my family, other than my mum, she is my best friend and the only one I can truly count on in life and she has been amazing over the course of my life and I hope to oneday talk about her in one of my blogs because she deserves a whole piece for herself along with my dad actually, both for different reasons. But I don't, we don't have that family togetherness. My Dad, his wife and my younger brother who is 11 (I think) live in a different county, I only see and speak to them occasionally and I do feel a little disconnected from them at times, despite the amount of help I have had from both my dad and step mum over the years, I am the black sheep of the family and have been for the majority of time and never really feel apart of the family at family gatherings when they come down, yano? I just feel... like, I'm a waste of time for them but they have to care and bother because I'm family, yano?. Then there's my older (33 years old) and younger (26 years old) brothers, I had best friendships with both of them at different stages of my life growing up but have grown to be very much disconnected from them too, they're both in long term relationships nearing 10 years, both live with their partners, one of them has 2 kids and both have had long lasting careers and we all had wild lives growing up, but somehow I steered off abit too far... and here I am, I have never had a relationship go past 2 years, I'm currently on benefits because of my mental health and I have been in and out of work and on and off of benefits since I was 16, I'm now 30. I also live in a council flat.... I have 2 sons with different women. My eldest who along with my mum has been my reason for sticking around as long as I have, I don't have enough space to write about him... but he's kept me here and means a tremendous amount to me and my life. And I have my youngest who is 6 months old, a beautiful little boy who looks just like his daddy and his older brother, he really is a lovely boy... I don't quite know what to say about him... my relationship with his mum has been a pretty rocky one and things are hard as fuck right now, I want to build a relationship with him of course and I want to have that father/son thing, but things are just fucked at the moment so I don't know what the fuck is going on... I feel he deserves better at this point because I have been a shit father to him... but that is a whole different thing which I won't get into here... right now. At the end of the day my family relationships are just like my friendships and intimate relationships, abit fucked. There is alot to work out it's all very complicated for me and my head. I guess what I'm really trying to say is.... I feel like I don't belong here... I don't know where I belong... there is nothing for me in this town anymore despite having family and having kids that most will say need me.. I want out, and that does hurt to say because I love being a dad and parenting, a big part of me knows that they will be fine without me anyway but I mean, well.... I can't leave even if I wanted to, I have no money to go, no idea where I would go and what use it would be if I could go. My reputation in this town is so fucked and I just want to be somewhere where my past doesn't come up, where my name isn't known for what it is and where I can start over again... but that isn't going to happen and even if it did.. I wouldn't fit in anywhere... so whilst I'm here, all I want is a good family connection with ALL of my family, I want my relationship to work and I want my own little family... whiiiiiich I had, but fucked, like I have fucked everything else in my life... I want a stable career I enjoy, I have a few things I'd like to do, and I just want consistency.... I'm tired and I'm fed up of being this way, feeling this way and thinking this way. I'm tired and fed up of losing the things that matter the most.... my sanity will be lost sooner or later I fear. It's draining. LIFE is draining. But... it is my fault, right?.... I believe so.