I have caved. I turned to alcohol. Again.

WOW... I just wrote a whole piece.. well nearly... and accidentally deleted it... I type so fast my fingers go all spacky and ...poof there it goes... I guess I'll start again ey... maybe save it every couple of lines!!! Fuck sake.

Anyway... I was saying..

Do you wanna hear something ironic? And something actually quite hilarious.... so if you look yesterday you will see I wrote a blog piece talking about the "drink culture" and how I don't wish to be apart of it anymore, after spending all of my teenhood and most of my adulthood being a fucking heavy drinker I've spent the last several years trying to stop... and I have gone 1 year and 3 months without it... until today!!! Here I am, a big bottle of vodka.... drinking away!! LOL Isn't that funny!? But in all honesty... I'm not just drinking because I have nothing better to do or because it's "just what I do"... no... no no... my youngest son's mum has decided to call it quits after 1.5 years. Yep, the girl that spent a vast majority of our relationship talking about our future, talking about having a family with ME... showing her desperation to marry me because then she will be sure that I won't leave (which makes no sense, you can get divorced lol) and she just spent alot of time telling me how much she loved me and telling me how I should know she does....?? Really??... and then... she just leaves?.. And the reason was... because of how much we argue... we've been arguing since day uno (several weeks into our relationship I'd say lol) and we ALWAYS made it clear that no matter how much we argued we would fight through it, we both felt strongly about overcoming battles and pushing forward because that is what you do when you love someone. And we did that, every fucking time!!! And it was HER, SHE was the one that feared ME leaving!!! LOL. And I know, you're probably thinking, "yeah but if you always argue" blah blah blah, and while I do get that view, I have to say, we both suffer with mental health, both experienced alot of shit in our lives and we just understand that about each other so that gave us the ability to get through shit, knowing that there is more to our arguments than the reason we are arguing, yano? But suddenly... she opts out... just like that... it completely baffles me. SO I have caved... I buckled.. I gave in... I'm now doing something I despise and detest with a passion... this isn't me.... I don't handle shit like this anymore, not in this way... I'm stronger than that!!!!.... But... not this time... my weaknesses are showing.... I'm not gonna lie... I just wanna die.

Being Sober in a World of Drinkers

Being sober in a world of drinkers

It's frustrating to live in this world...
as someone that used to be a heavy heavy drinker, a borderline alco-fucking-holic at one stage, as someone that started drinking at about 11/12 years old and continued to do that all throughout teenhood into adulthood and beyond, to now be a 30 year old "man" that is sober and hasn't touched a drop in over a year to now live in a world that is FULL to the brim of drinkers, party goers, ravers, festival attendees and drug heads, it isn't easy. Everywhere I look, from Facebook to Snapchat, Instagram to Tinder, all I see is this culture... this "drink culture" and it's a culture I am just not apart of anymore nor do I ever wish to join it again. I lived it for many many years and got myself into more fucked up states than I can count on both hands 100 times over. I saw and experienced some of the most ridiculous shit you could imagine. I spent my drinking days like MANY others out there... doing stupid shit, talking stupid shit, fighting and attacking people, arguing, crying, laughing, joking, falling around and fooling around, eating like a wild animal that had been starved for several days, crashing out in the streets and other strange places and situations, puking up, getting lost, being a cunt and in some cases pissing and shitting myself, quite literally, I do not lie. I also found myself getting arrested dozens of times for alot of stupid shit. I had fall outs with family, friends and partners for fuck sake, and we ALL know that is a very common thing to happen within the realms of drinking (and doing drugs) and it's sad. And too often people DIE from drinking, I'm not talking about from liver disease or other alcohol related health issues but from falling over and hitting their head, from doing stupid shit and from fighting... ever heard of One Punch Killer?? look into it... it'll shock you to your core!! Life changing shit... alcohol... drinking... it changes lives and it kills people by the millions!! It's insane!!! I done and experienced things that people just should not do and experience... but this culture and way of life has become so deeply ingrained into our society if you don't drink, you're abit weird, abit of an oddball. Which baffles me now, when you look at how people act in that world, it baffles me that people continue to live within it like it's good for you in any way, shape or form, and the hangovers, nobody likes them, they're quite literally your bodies way of coping with internal poisoning, because that is what alcohol is, it's poison, but still as a culture we keep doing that to yourselves, why?... I will talk about that another time. I feel like for most of my adult life the only reason I drank was to fit in... so I had friends, and I know that sounds really really sad and pathetic but it's true. On several occasions in my life I went extended periods of time being sober, sometimes months and sometimes for a year or so but the fact is everybody I knew and met did just that, drank every weekend, in some cases every day or every other day, they all did drugs and went to pubs and clubs.... so... I just felt for me to actually have friends I had to join in... I've never really spoken of this before I don't think, this is the first time I have opened up about it... but there were alot of times where I would just want to hang out and do something different with these "friends" but it was never really on the cards... it wasn't really an option, everything revolved around drinking.. and at some points I feel that may have contributed to the demise of certain friendships. I wanted something else, something different, something more. And this happened throughout my entire drinking life up until a year ago during my relationship with my youngest sons mum, before she got pregnant she was a big party girl, pub goer and loved that life style, I mean, she was 21.. and that's what all 21 year olds do, right?... and I couldn't cope... with my anxieties, insecurities and paranoid shit self I ended up drinking every time she went out, on my own, and every weekend we were together... everything was just drink here drink there lets go for one blah blah blah... I just went with it, I was falling for her and didn't want to lose that... I have issues. But I just went with it and it was messing me up, I didn't want to be doing that, it wasn't me, but I did.. once again just to fit in and be accepted. It's pathetic really. I wish things were different.. but they will never be anything other than that, a "drink culture" where the vast majority drink, party, go to pubs and clubs and rave at festivals. Another reason why I feel I just don't fit in and belong here... not just in this town, but this world. But that's just my view. How I feel. Not everybody, well very few will think this way, as the masses are apart of this "drink culture" of the West. I don't plan on ever drinking alcohol ever again. However... we all know how plans change ey?... so many times lately I've just wanted to get a bottle and drink myself to death.... I have been so low I've just wanted to get wasted..... on my own... in my home.... there are times where I just want to do that.... but I don't.... I'm so passionate about being sober I just don't.. so I sit and feel all of these hellish emotions without any mask... I don't cover it.. I feel it all.... and I know deep down that is the best thing to do... drinking only leads me down darker roads... makes me feel worse for days after.. and I don't want that.... so... I stay sober.... in a world of drinkers... I stay sober.

I don't belong here

I Don't Belong Here



So I'm back again.. I'm pretty sure I only get the urge to write here when my life goes to shit... could be a good thing, could be bad, but whatever, I guess it doesn't really matter. Nobody cares to read what I have to say anyway.
I've just been on a long walk along the seafront of my "home" town and with the help of a song by Dax called "I can't breathe" (it's a powerful song) I've been made to really think about the shit going on in my life right now and also some of the shit that's happened during it. It caused a fair bit of emotion and thoughts that just shot me into this realm of mental and emotional isolation and disconnection from the world... you know... where you just feel you don't belong here.. you don't belong where you are or fit in?? I feel like I'm never going to obtain and keep the things I've wanted in my life for so long now... I have this wicked history of having the things I want and just fucking them up, losing them. The things that truly matter seem to come and go, I can't get them to stay, it isn't always my fault, I mean, take friendships for example... I seem to have lost every friend I've ever had, now that could be because of ME or it could be because of THEM or maybe it's just a matter of not vibing on the level that's needed to sustain a long lasting friendship with those people... but my history with friendships is a long and complex one. Growing up in my "home"town as a young lad and a teenager between 11/12 and 16 years old I was popular, well known throughout, never had trouble with girls and stood out as a "tough guy", if I lived in America I guess you could've called me a "jock". But somewhere along the line I started to lose friends... they just started hanging out with other people, I'd see them now and then or I'd just get left out from the group I was apart of and as I got older I just ended up going from group to group to group to group. It all started when I met this girl at 15 years old, she was 14 at the time I met her, I got all lovey dovey and I kinda put all my time into just being with her and stopped seeing my then friends and made new friends, maybe that's where I went wrong? But even then... the friends I met and hung with during my time with her... eventually disappeared too, I got left out and less attention from them... but in all honesty, I was a fucking CU*T as a teenager, I think my "bad boy" reputation eventually got to my head abit and I thought I was invincible, untouchable and I just thought I could do anything I wanted... I would attend house parties and walk in the door like I owned the place, like everyone should acknowledge me and shake my hand, and actually.... they did, everyone said hello to me and welcomed me like a king, maybe it was the fear factor, I don't know, but the end of the night would usually end with me kicking off, smacking someone or just being a loud angry hoodlum causing everyone to flee, which, obviously did me no favours and usually caused big fallouts between me and my then girlfriend. I became a wreck... as I hit 16/17 years old everything started to fall apart. During the early stages of my relationship with this girl I met her cousin who was a few years older than me who became my best friend, we were inseparable, like two pees in a party pod, we went through some crazy shit together and after my break up with her he was all I had, well him, alcohol and drugs. Yeah, I was a heavy drinking drug taking kid/teenager from the age of 11/12 years old (just alcohol and weed until my mid to late teens onwards, then it was pills and cocaine with alcohol and weed) and at this point, at 17/18 years old all of that was cuddled with alot of anger, depression and loneliness and a dash of suicidal fantasies from time to time. I fucked my life good and proper. After all of the craziness that took place at 17/18 years old I ended up once again, going from group to group, friend to friend and I just NEVER managed to fit in, I never managed to settle... I can't help but feel my history of violence in Bognor had tarnished any chance I had of finding a new group of friends, in fact I honestly believe that was it, that was the reason. The damage was done... the once popular and respected Joey Nash was now a lonely, lost, depressed, angry has-been. Don't get me wrong, I still had alot of good times and had many friends and partners throughout but never long lasting ships and during all of this time I experienced alot of loneliness and isolation... and now I look at everyone I used to hang with, everyone I have been friends with, every girlfriend I have ever had and they all have a circle of friends and partners, and have done for many many years and many from back in the day, like real lifetime friendships and shit and they are all indulging in friend-like activities  (mainly drinking from what I see, which is not my scene anymore, over 1 year sober now woot woot) and they go on holidays and they are all just... socially living life, all have careers, homes and little families. I saw everyone else experiencing that young social life consistently into adulthood where their lives continued in that social circle. Things never went that way for me. I was envious, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe that is something that has contributed to the built up anger and distaste I have towards society and people now, I feel I was abandoned to some degree... I dunno, but at the same time I feel I have no one to blame but myself for being the person I was back then, I take full ownership. However even the person I am now at 30 years old, many years away from that crazy part of my life, I seem to struggle with this idea of socialising and being "normal", I feel so far disconnected and different to everyone else, I can't... almost don't want to even try becoming apart of any social group, I feel I am too different to everyone else, I feel nobody would be able to relate to me in any way, not enough for me to be happy to embark on a long lasting friendship with them anyway. Now I certainly have an issue with trust and I find many people out there just aren't real, which I can't entertain, I can't entertain being friends with people that aren't.... how you'd say... "woke", for lack of a better word. I spent so much time in my life searching for truth, searching for answers, wanting to really know what the fuck the world was about, what life was about, what goes on out there, I saw alot of stuff on corruption from both industry and government, I've watched alot of documentaries on many things from the food industry to 9/11 and from materialistic living to animal agriculture and animal farming (which turned me vegan, nearly 3 years). I have strong views on smoking and drinking alcohol in front of children and feeding them junk food, I have strong views about the educational and the mental health system, I have strong views on pretty much everything in society and I feel that there isn't many people out there like me... certainly not in my area. I ended up exposing myself to so much shit, so much eye opening REAL LIFE shit that I just saw what many others didn't... I saw what was, what is real... THE TRUTH! Everywhere I go I see what is wrong with the world and I feel that all of that has played a major role in how my life has turned out to this point today. I am still lonely and just don't fit in here. I mean I have family and I have children (7 years old and 6 months old), whom I don't live with. But I just don't have that THING... I don't have what I want out of life.. what would make me happy, yano?... I don't have a SOLID family bond with ALL my family, other than my mum, she is my best friend and the only one I can truly count on in life and she has been amazing over the course of my life and I hope to oneday talk about her in one of my blogs because she deserves a whole piece for herself along with my dad actually, both for different reasons. But I don't, we don't have that family togetherness. My Dad, his wife and my younger brother who is 11 (I think) live in a different county, I only see and speak to them occasionally and I do feel a little disconnected from them at times, despite the amount of help I have had from both my dad and step mum over the years, I am the black sheep of the family and have been for the majority of time and never really feel apart of the family at family gatherings when they come down, yano? I just feel... like, I'm a waste of time for them but they have to care and bother because I'm family, yano?. Then there's my older (33 years old) and younger (26 years old) brothers, I had best friendships with both of them at different stages of my life growing up but have grown to be very much disconnected from them too, they're both in long term relationships nearing 10 years, both live with their partners, one of them has 2 kids and both have had long lasting careers and we all had wild lives growing up, but somehow I steered off abit too far... and here I am, I have never had a relationship go past 2 years, I'm currently on benefits because of my mental health and I have been in and out of work and on and off of benefits since I was 16, I'm now 30. I also live in a council flat.... I have 2 sons with different women. My eldest who along with my mum has been my reason for sticking around as long as I have, I don't have enough space to write about him... but he's kept me here and means a tremendous amount to me and my life. And I have my youngest who is 6 months old, a beautiful little boy who looks just like his daddy and his older brother, he really is a lovely boy... I don't quite know what to say about him... my relationship with his mum has been a pretty rocky one and things are hard as fuck right now, I want to build a relationship with him of course and I want to have that father/son thing, but things are just fucked at the moment so I don't know what the fuck is going on... I feel he deserves better at this point because I have been a shit father to him... but that is a whole different thing which I won't get into here... right now. At the end of the day my family relationships are just like my friendships and intimate relationships, abit fucked. There is alot to work out it's all very complicated for me and my head. I guess what I'm really trying to say is.... I feel like I don't belong here... I don't know where I belong... there is nothing for me in this town anymore despite having family and having kids that most will say need me.. I want out, and that does hurt to say because I love being a dad and parenting, a big part of me knows that they will be fine without me anyway but I mean, well.... I can't leave even if I wanted to, I have no money to go, no idea where I would go and what use it would be if I could go. My reputation in this town is so fucked and I just want to be somewhere where my past doesn't come up, where my name isn't known for what it is and where I can start over again... but that isn't going to happen and even if it did.. I wouldn't fit in anywhere... so whilst I'm here, all I want is a good family connection with ALL of my family, I want my relationship to work and I want my own little family... whiiiiiich I had, but fucked, like I have fucked everything else in my life... I want a stable career I enjoy, I have a few things I'd like to do, and I just want consistency.... I'm tired and I'm fed up of being this way, feeling this way and thinking this way. I'm tired and fed up of losing the things that matter the most.... my sanity will be lost sooner or later I fear. It's draining. LIFE is draining. But... it is my fault, right?.... I believe so.

How Coronavirus Effects Mental Health

I just got back from a little trip to a nature park near where I live, I needed to be with nature, something I've not done recently, for a while. Something we ALL need in our lives. I laid right next to a tree, spread out, took my shoes and socks off and connected my limbs to the earth.. I needed that connection after all the chaos lately 🌳

So... it has been a couple of days now since I started this blog and I created my first piece and much has changed since then as it always does for me and my life, but in recent times things have been a little different, different for all of us I'd say, right? With this "coronavirus" thing going around like the plague or at least that is how the MSM (mainstream media) are making it look. We have hit an unprecedented moment in history and not just because of the virus itself but because of how we are tackling it and being controlled by it and how the government's strict actions and "guidelines" that have been implemented during the last few weeks have impacted us all. We have had several epidemics in the last 100 years and the most recent few never caused global lockdowns or a complete shutdown of the global economy. Now there is so much more to this matter but I just simply don't have the time or capacity to get into it now, I just want to focus on how has and will affect so many people's mental health, including my own. 
I have been in self isolation for 11 days now, I have relied on people from the outside world that aren't self isolating to bring me food and do my washing, something I believe most of us haven't had to do since we were kids. So it's been a little, alot, very stressful and anxiety triggering to say the least. But there is a reason as to why I am doing it, there is a reason I am doing this and I am doing it voluntarily because my partner, my beautiful life partner has type 1 diabetes and she has been advised by her doctor to self isolate for 12 weeks. So.... she is doing just that, but she isn't alone, she isn't doing this torturous feat alone, she is with and looking after our near 6 month old baby boy, Nico, who unfortunately is abit of a nightmare (amazing little boy but abit hard to handle) and has been since birth, something I may get into at a later date. But she has been struggling for many months now and she's been doing most of it alone as we haven't been together for much of the duration of Nico's life. So after the advice and recommendations by those in "the know" I have decided to self isolate so I can be sure I don't have this "virus" and I can go to see them both, help, and be a family until this bullshit ends (first time swearing in this piece, I'm doing good). And it is safe to say that during my time in this self isolation, this majorly restricted way of "living", this.... HELL, I have been struck down once again by those mind crushing demons that I had only recently learnt to control better and manage better through some newly implemented practices of meditation, mindfulness and breathing exercises. I started a spiritual path about a month or so ago and I was managing my mental health better than ever. Which is BIG because I have suffered for about 14 years now and never really been in a good good place even when I was "happy"... then out of nowhere life goes... BOOM here have a "virus" and see how you handle that, thus sending the world into meltdown, lockdown and self isolation, amongst many other crazy things. And for those that battle with mental health it has become our greatest battle, our toughest fight, our tallest mountain!!! So many are falling to their knees, struggling to see the light, wondering, confused, crawling through the battlefield day by day suffering on a level never imagined. I for one have been hit hard, this situation, this issue we are facing has had a MASSIVE impact on my family relationships at times but most importantly my intimate, personal and affectionate relationship with my partner for life. We have overcome many MANY obstacles during our time together and all from the very start too, we had no honeymoon period, we kickstarted it at 10 years of marriage and been fighting ever since. We love each other and our determination to make it work will never stop. We are in love and we have the best connection, but we both have our own demons at the same time and that makes things a little hard to handle at times, but somehow, every time, we get through it and keep moving forward, and that, that is what true love is about, not giving up. HOWEVER we have been tested once again and more than ever by this "virus"! We aren't used to spending longer than a day apart and so far it has been about 3 weeks, maybe? Could be a little less. And for a couple like us that are very affectionate, cuddly and shit (only the second swear word, something is wrong with me LOL) it has made things extremely difficult. It has made me revert back to old ways, this home prison sentence has caused me to become more snappy and explosive, more easily agitated, more anxious and basically more fucked, yano? Having to rely on others to get my food has hit me quite hard as I don't just eat anything, I'm very specific and strict with my diet! Certain things need to be organic, I never usually eat anything processed or anything that has refined sugar in, I eat predominantly a wholefoods plant based diet with the odd bit of shit and I just need to have MY food in order for me to be satisfied, anything less and it gets me down down down down and I don't like it at all... Fortunately for me, I have a wonderful following of people on my mental health awareness and support page on Facebook and I have had the food I like (bar a couple of items that had to be non organic, but beggers can't be chooses and all that) delivered to me and that in itself has made living like this that much easier!! So I am thankful for that, even in these very hard times I have much to be thankful for although it is hard to see them sometimes. I have had several days where I have been suicidal due to my irrational actions and bad temper that directly affected my relationship. I have a good track record of being a dick and making things worse than they need to be, I create an argument that needn't exist and things get bad, I get suicidal and I am consumed by dark shitty thoughts. But like many times before, I, we get things calmed and back on the road again. It isn't easy... it never is, battling with mental health is one of the toughest challenges we can face in life and our circumstances and situations have a wicked way of dictating what happens inside of our heads and how things go for us, it sucks, but it's the truth, no?. But after the things I have experienced over the last month or so before this crazy shit happened I now see that it is totally possible to change that, we can change how we think and how we control our minds and through regular meditation, mindfulness, breathing exercises and techniques along with healthy eating, herbal remedies/essential oils and exercise we CAN live a better, a more grounded, a more compassionate and loving way of life if we just try and put the effort in. If we just sit back and allow life to flow without doing a thing ourselves, we will never reach a state of happiness, we will never move forward or find what we are looking for, we will never achieve our goals or dreams, we will never succeed. I am 30 years old and I have never truly been content with my life, for whatever reason, but that is what I yearn for... that is what I am aiming for, forget materialistic things, forget money and flashy things, I'm not about that shit, that is all temporary happiness, unnatural fixes that cause us to want more and more in an unhealthy way. I just want to be content with myself, my family and the very moment I am living in. I will keep fighting until the day I die and I am happy with that... life isn't supposed to be easy and I think that's where we all get lost... we just don't know how to achieve what really is so simple when you lay it all out in front of you.. as I mentioned above... your lifestyle and how you live is what will determine where you will be in the future... so ask yourself... where do you wanna be? And then do what you have to do in your life to get there. If you don't... you'll never know what could have been. And nobody wants to die with that on their mind. At least I don't, I want to die knowing I tried my best regardless of whether I die content or not. Having my family is what means the most and that is a realistic and easily achievable dream, but it won't come without effort. Remember that, effort matters. Thanks for listening, or shall I say reading. If you did. I'm going to stuff my face with food now. Nom Nom.

Peace, love & strength to you all <3

Late night suffering.

After another moment of irrationality I've fucked up, again, the most important and meaningful relationship of my life, a relationship that again, I fucked up.. I am here AGAIN.. feeling alone... lost.. heartbroken.. sad.. or depressed to be more truthful.. sad isn't a strong enough word. I'm feeling confused and just weak. It's just gone 12am, this is the latest I've been awake in WEEKS! I usually go to bed around 10:30/11am... maybe just gone 11am the latest... but now.. I just don't wanna sleep.. I don't wanna lay there alone in bed, the light off with just me and my thoughts, they will torment me and show me so many things I don't wanna see. But I know that I should sleep.. I know that staying up late is NOT a good idea.. but if you've ever experienced heartbreak or if you battle with mental health you will be able to relate. I think. I'm just laying on my sofa with YouTube on my t.v... with a video on but I can't seem to settle and actually watch anything.. I just keep going on my phone, going from app to app, doing bits of scrolling, checking to see if she has unblocked me on Whatsapp... if she does I feel there would be a surge of hope come over me... but I just don't see it happening... I think... I feel it is really over... and it's because of me, again. I feel so empty and just..................... not right (I struggled to think of what word to use to describe how I feel and that was the best I could come up with) ... I've sat up now... I'm just wondering what to do... I'm at a loss. I'll go to bed at some point.. I just don't wanna wake up again yano? When I sleep the thoughts, the pain and suffering... it all disappears... but the second I wake up, the second I come to and become aware of reality again.. the second I think about my ex and the shitty situation I have gotten myself into again all that pain and suffering comes back! The anxiety, the unbearable churning in my stomach, the thoughts and emotions start back up again leaving me struggling to settle down and I KNOW that I will wake up within a few hours to go to the toilet as I usually do and that's when I will get all of that shit arise once more.. making sleep extremely hard to accomplish. I need healing and I just don't know how I'm going to get out of this... I've ended up here, again. It's going to be a long and hellish night. Fuck.

Peace ✌🏼

This is me.

This is me.

Hey there... so... this is my first ever blog.. I never really imagined I would be here doing something like this, but here I am. I'm no stranger to talking about myself, my life, my feelings, my emotions and what's going on in my world. I'm quite vocal, which can get me into quite a bit of trouble from time to time. But in many other cases it benefits others as you will soon find out. So yeah.... I thought I'd make a blog... let's see what happens. I think it would make sense to start with a little intro into who I am.... yeah?... Okay.. well, my name is Joee, I'm 30 years old, I live in a small seaside town on the South coast of England and I occupy a small-ish council flat on my own, I'm on benefits and I suffer with my mental health, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts (on and off depending on the situation I am in) and I have pretty bad anger issues.... quite the stereotype ey?... I'm sure you are thinking all sorts, judging and assuming things about me as people so often do in life.... but I'm gonna stop you there and say, hold back on your judgement, for now, until you get to know me... THEN feel free to judge me, but I want your judgement to be based on the person I portray to you and not the situation I am in right now. Follow my story and find out where I have come from and where I have been before you judge me, okay?... I have my own view on myself right now.. I believe I am a cunt. A horrible person.... I have my reasons for this... reasons you will slowly get to know... but for now... I'm going to leave it there and continue with my story tomorrow when my head isn't so full of chaos... it's been a long... and shit day. So... stay tuned? Follow me... or not... whatever... but I'd appreciate it if you stuck around..... take care now.... thanks for staying this long. Until next time.

Goodnight <3

Edit - I stayed up quite late in the end... and posted another blog... "Late night suffering" .... check it out ^^^^^